The Circle

One evening after a long day, I visited one of my favorite dating blogs and began to notice a trend. Many women in this group were recently going through divorces or break-ups after long relationships. They felt they not only lost financial assets, but their social network as well.

“Not only did he get the house, cars, and 401Ks,” one woman wrote, “but he took all of our friends with him,” she posted.

I have always had my own small circle of friends that were separate from my marriage or relationships, but as I began to read stories of women ending long relationships, they often found themselves without a partner, but also without a large network of friendships to support them. What few friends they did have, quickly became overwhelmed by the vast amount of support the woman needed as she navigated her way through the end of her marriage or relationship. Simply put, it was too much for just a few friends to absorb the vast amount of support, advice, and comfort that she required to recover from her loss.

I also began to notice was that while the loss of assets and a marriage was incredibly difficult, and the women did grieve for that, what was most striking to me was that the loss of a social network was what was the most devastating. So many women wrote that they felt alone and isolated, with no one to turn to for support.

I began to reflect upon my own life. I have been divorced for almost 14 years, so I have had time to build a circle of friendships. However, entering a long-term relationship always seemed central to my happiness and security. I believed that a relationship could be a central focus in my life.

I have recently begun to challenge these beliefs and am realizing that a large, full, and supportive circle of friendships, which can act as a family, is what is central to my well-being. I have completely reversed my thinking. The friendships are what is central, whereas the romantic relationships are simply…optional.

I am not dismissing the importance of being in love and supporting a partner. However, when the burden of being one person’s everything, all of their comfort, all of their support, all of their socialization, entertainment, guidance, and advice, can be not only overwhelming for some, but it can be a devastating loss when the relationship ends. The person is left feeling not only cast aside, but set adrift, alone in a difficult world with few people to offer support.

Fear of this loss also can cause us to hang on to toxic relationships, far beyond when they should have ended, because we do not want to lose our everything. It can also cause us to settle for unhealthy relationships, or tolerate behaviors that desperately need to be addressed. When one person, any person, is our world, our entire reason for being, the burden not only stunts the other person’s growth and potential, but our own as well. We do not venture out into an often terrifying and difficult world to seek out new connections and opportunities with others. Instead, we cling to what is familiar and safe, even if what is safe is harmful or does not push us into reaching our full potential.

I believe it is possible to have a monogamous and loving long-term relationship. I would not discourage one if it was introduced into my life. However, what I am realizing is that the relationship would just be one important aspect in my life, one important piece out of many, that require time, effort, and sacrifice. However, what it would never be is my all, my only reason for waking up each day with optimism and enthusiasm. I would need to love other parts of my life so much that I could let the relationship go if it became harmful and still be left with the major parts of my life fully in tact.

I’ve realized that loving someone like this someday, with no unrealistic burdens, having him understand that he is not my world, and that the relationship does not define me, and that my world would not end if he were to leave, is beginning to feel like one of the most trusting beliefs, not only on the rarity of mutual love, but for the love of ourselves and belief that we are capable of a beautiful life with or without a relationship.